someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
