i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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