so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
