I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
