I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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