when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
