If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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