Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
