did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
