Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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