She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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