i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Soap is not a condiment
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
