I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
