My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize