Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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