I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
