You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sober January is a disaster.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
