O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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