New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
