we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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