batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
