This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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