remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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