I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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