im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
