Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
