my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
