i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
