Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
