I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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