Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
