On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
