i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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