so that wasnt chicken after all
I just cut my nipple shaving
I am midnight drunk by noon
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
