the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
