Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
