My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
