im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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