i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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