twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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