dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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