When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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