Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Are my feet made of real feet?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
