I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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