Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
