"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
