If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
