would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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