I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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