eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
