"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
