Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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