I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
