Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
