I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
