Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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