I hate all girls vehemently.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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