My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
