Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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